Simple Feeling
by Neferit
Summary: Spock left him, leaving him to pick pieces of his broken heart. But somewhere, there is another Spock, whose heart had been broken, and he will find him, granting them both a second chance. Second chance, which his Spock does not deserve anymore.


**A/N:** So, when I was browsing through the kink meme, I found and bookmarked this prompt:

_I want Spock having an existential crisis, ala "WHAT am I doing in a relationship with a human male?" and breaking it off with Jim. Jim, however, has memories from Spock Prime when he went to Gol, and he refuses to play to part of jilted lover and to pine away in some hole somewhere while Spock pulls his head out of his ass and discovers "This simple feeling."_

_However, Spock Prime won't take Jim for a lover for whatever reason (he's too old, he has a duty to his younger self, blah, blah, you choose). So Jim takes himself off to the planet of the Guardian of Forever (redux of the TOS episode) that either he visited during a mission, or just because he knows about it from THE MELD with Prime. And he tells the Guardian to find him a Spock who is bereft of his Jim and to take him to him._

_The rest is up to the author. Do they bond? Does Spock come to regret his choice to leave Jim? Happily ever after is entirely optional._

And I'm terrible. I like torture bastard!Spock.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, but this fanfic is completely my fault.

* * *

**Simple Feeling**

So, obviously being nearly-bonded to Spock was not enough for that blasted Vulcan. Right when they were supposed to have their bonding ceremony, he decided it was time for becoming the Vulcanest Vulcan that ever existed and run away from Jim, leaving him to pick pieces of his broken heart.

At least this Spock left a letter behind.

The letter didn't ease Jim's depression. Oh no. It only deepened it, breaking his heart into even smaller pieces. From Spock's words, obviously very carefully chosen, Jim got the feeling that he was overwhelming him with his presence, his emotions, and his very existence.

It was so much like the Spock he remembered from the mind meld so long ago that it made him sick.

"But _this_, Jim, this simple feeling…"

Screw simple feelings. Screw all kinds of feelings, thought Jim, as tears run silently from his eyes.

**-o.O.o-**

Jim felt alone. For the very first time in years, he felt truly, utterly alone. He still got Bones, or Scotty, or anyone else from the senior crew (even Giotto, who still bore the nickname Cupcake, although now it was used as a teasing instead of insult) – but the warming presence at the back of his mind was gone.

It looked that once you attempted to reach Kohlinar, you were supposed to block everyone out, to make sure they wouldn't try to discourage you, no matter how it hurt them in return.

There were days when Jim seriously considered asking Old Spock, or Selek, as he went now, to take him in, to make him _his_. But part of him knew what the old man would do. He would just give him that tiny Vulcan not-smile and say "that is not my fate". But from where Jim stood, it wouldn't be his Spock's fate either, right? If it were his fate, would he leave him behind, dropping him like a hot potato so shortly before their bonding ceremony? After the years of companionship, friendship and partnership, obviously he viewed them being together as too bothersome all of sudden. It hurt.

If only there was another time, where Spock would do, would give, everything to stay by his side…

And finally, at the very end of their first five year mission, after time which stretched like forever, he had his answers.

**-o.O.o-**

"You are James Tiberius Kirk," sounded voice, seemingly from nowhere, as Jim stood in front of something what looked like stone arch, like a gateway.

He nodded. "That I am. And you are Guardian of forever, your own beginning and end, and someone, whom I would like to ask for help."

"I can see your thoughts are troubled, James Tiberius Kirk," responded Guardian, his – or probably _its_ – voice carrying soft undertones of caring. "Your soon-to-be bondmate left you and broke your heart, adding himself to the numbers of people who betrayed you in your life. What is it that you wish of me?"

"Tell me, Guardian," said Jim, his heart beating madly in his chest, "as there are countless timelines and dimensions, is there any, which would be like ours, with one exception – Spock remaining by his Jim, but losing him to something?"

Guardian had been quiet for a moment – Jim thought that he was browsing through the dimensions, looking for that certain factor – before he spoke again. "There are several timelines which fit your question and where Spock remained by his bondmate but lost him to death. In some of them, his senses left him and he followed his bondmate to death."

Jim's hopes, raised high when he heard that there are several dimensions with what he asked for, dropped noticeably. Yet, the Guardian was far from finished. "But there is one, where Spock is struggling to live without his beloved, praying for another chance…"

The young Captain felt his heart speed again, ready to burst out from his chest. "Open this time for me, Guardian, and me and this Spock will be each other's second chance."

The window to that reality opened; through the curtain of time he could spy Spock sitting in front of several candles, obviously meditating, trying to reach his inner equilibrium. Obviously failing to do so, he opened his eyes, shed the meditation robes and went to sleep, curling in the centre of bed which looked too big for a single person.

With a deep breath, Jim closed his eyes and made the fateful step.

**-o.O.o-**

"Spock."

Spock slowly woke up from his slumber. Since he lost his mate, he found it more and more difficult each day to wake up and continue with his life as he knew he should. He wasn't the first person in the world who lost his life partner, h knew, and he also wouldn't be the last one - but this particular loss weighted him down.

"Spock."

Some voice, deeply familiar to him, was calling to him. Jim. It was Jim's voice. His dreams once again took him too far, and he knew that once he opens his eyes, Jim will disappear. But the voice just wouldn't leave him alone, insistent in its calling, like sirine.

"Spock. Wake up."

He slowly opened his eyes, and the sight which greeted him in the land of consciousness stunned him. Jim was sitting on the bed, gazing at him intently with those bright blue eyes of his he missed so much.

"Jim?" he said quietly. Part of him almost wanted to believe he's hallucinating, but hallucinations in the state he was in were... illogical. And he knew he's awake, and this. Is. Happening.

"Jim," he repeated, this time with stronger voice. "You are here."

"That I am, Spock. I am _a_ Jim," said the man, making Spock raise his eyebrows in surprise. "_A_ Jim?" asked Spock, not quite understanding. The voice, the eyes, the mannerism, the very person was Jim. "I do not understand."

They talked, Jim explaining and Spock not quite believing what he was hearing. So, this Jim left his time to be with him, because he lost his Jim and this Jim was left by his Spock. Spock didn't quite understand how that Spock could leave Jim - it was entirely illogical in his mind; after all, you do not leave your t'hyla. Finding one's t'hyla was prescious, even more now, when there were so little Vulcans left.

"I lost my Spock, and you lost your Jim," Jim said. "But together, we could have the second chance, if you are willing."

Spock didn't even need to think about it - his hand immediately raising between them in the familiar gesture of Vulcan kiss. With a gentle smile, which felt unusual on his face after the months he spent alone, he returned the gesture, feeling a bond starting to form between them already.

They had a long way before them, they both knew, but they will walk every step of it together. And together, they will make the most of this second chance.

**-o.O.o-**

"What you mean you do not know where he is, doctor?" asked Spock, barely masked impatience clear in his voice. Leonard McCoy scowled. This man sure had no shame - first he kicks Jim to the curb and runs away, open about Jim's supposed unsuitability as his bondmate, and now he's back, demanding to know where the man is.

"I have absolutely no idea, and even if I had, I still wouldn't tell you, you green-blooded hobgoblin," he snapped, turning from the Vulcan, placing several trocorders back to the drawer and signed them off in the PAD he held. He hated doing inventory but right now, he thought anything would be better than talking to the man.

"I would appreciate, if you told me what you do know then," responded Spock, not bothering to mask his irritation anymore. No one had been exactly helpful ever since he came back. He realized that terms of his departure weren't very polite, and he meditated on the subject nearly every day of his attempt at reaching Kolinahr. Now he realized how futile that time had been, and wanted to make amends with Jim.

And no one was willing to tell him anything.

"Ask Pike. Jim spoke to him right before he left. Now go and leave me be, I got better things to do that help you find man you broke," Leonard said with a tone of finality in his voice. it was clear to Spock that he will not hear anything more from the doctor, so he left him to the inventory and made his way to his quarters.

At least now he had a trail to follow.

**-o.O.o-**

Admiral Pike was carefully neutral when he voiced his query about Jim's whereabouts. He was actually willing to tell him where Jim had been heading before he lost track of him. The older man just gave him a warning before he left his office. "Hurt him one more time, Spock, and member of endangered race or not, I will personally end you."

At least he had been direct in that sentiment. Everyone else just glared at him and said nothing.

**-o.O.o-**

Just like Jim stood there years before him, now Spock stood before the majestic arc of Guardian of Forever.

"You are Spock," said the voice.

"That I am," agreed Spock. "I'm here to ask about James Tiberius Kirk. I was told he came here before me."

For a moment, there had been silence. "That is true. He came here, searching for a second chance. And once it had been granted, he never asked to be returned to his time."

Ice fingers gripped Spock's heart. "Show me," he whispered. "Show me, where Jim is."

The air in front of him shivered, before it cleared up. He could see a room, with decor both Vulcan and Terran origin. The room was empty, before the doors opened and Jim came in. He looked calm, and at peace. Spock nearly reached for him but then the door opened again, and he came into the room.

_Spock._

Jim gave the not-Spock a bright smile, extending his hand in the Vulcan kiss, and the Vulcan eagerly returned it, his lips forming a small smile, before he closed the distance between them and gave Jim a very Terran kiss.

Spock didn't realize he was crying, until the image blurred and disappeared, leaving only memory of Jim's smile behind. Smile, which will never again be directed at him.


End file.
